Journey Through Divorce

When you’ve been married for 24 years, you know when things aren’t right in your relationship. There were strange numbers on the telephone bill and unusual charges on the credit card statements. There were absences from home by my husband for evenings, hours on the weekend, and sometimes overnight. There were always excuses, lies, and disappointments. . .

Suddenly I was alone. The whole world was part of a couple relationship and I was the only one who had no one. I was a freak! I sank into deep depression. I cried buckets of tears and gave myself therapy with exercise and self help books. I walked 3 miles a day. The walking helped. I could think and pray. I determined "success" was the best revenge! I read feverishly, trying to “fix myself”. I jeopardized my job and alienated my children. My family tried to be supportive, but I’m sure they thought I was nuts. I was convinced that no one else would ever want me again. I was pathetic!

I eventually came through it. I had been grieving for two years. I was 25 pounds thinner and I had read dozens of selfhelp books. Then I started dating. It was strange. I felt awkward, but I began to look forward to things again, little by little. . . In five years, I was married again. In looking back, I know I made some major mistakes and I’d like to share those things with you, hoping to make separation and divorce easier for someone else.

One of the biggest thing I learned: Don’t ever take your relationship for granted. You should never stop working on it. How to do that? Keep it fresh; mix things up by doing different things together. Create new experiences and make new memories. This will keep things interesting and your relationship from getting stale. Make it a priority. Mothers often focus more on the kids than on their husbands, especially when the marriage is not good. This is dangerous. You need to find balance. Work on being a better person. It will make you a better spouse and a better parent. It will make you worthy of respect. If your spouse is not worthy of respect, there is a lot that you can do to validate him or her. A little encouragement and kind attention from you will help him or her to “raise the bar”.

If you believe in God, keep Him at the center of your relationship. Then if the marriage does fail, you will have your faith to sustain you. If you can't be commited to your spouse, then be commited to your vows. Another big thing I learned: If your marriage is over, focus on your children, instead of trying to find a new partner. The last thing your kids want or need is a stepparent in the house. I thought it would help with finances and parenting. It did help the finances, but parenting in a divorce is still your responsibility and re marriage will create a whole new set of problems. It’s a very big chance to take. Remember, your children are in pain too. They especially need your love and attention right after a separation. Concentrate on keeping that relationship with them strong and healthy. Don’t say anything derogatory about your spouse to them. Don't use them for therapy. Remember they still love the missing parent, often more than ever as he or she is not around all the time. This advice is “key” and will save you much grief in the long run. You will also maintain respect from your “ex” and your family.

I was fortunate. My new husband is a jewel, but there were problems, especially over the issue of parenting. There were several hard years with my daughter. She never really adjusted and eventually moved out when she was 17. I felt cheated out of a loving mother-daughter relationship with her. She was so unhappy and I felt so much guilt. It was hard on my new marriage too. But we all came through it. I’ve been re married now for eight years. My daughter is happy and successful. The biggest thing I learned: “this too shall pass”. Things will get better. Life gets better. You will come through it too.